Mommy Monday- TEENAGER!

It has finally happened. I have become the mother of a teenager. Where did the time go?

J1's birthday is to day and we celebrated this morning with birthday waffles.  He had his favorite meal of orange chicken and pork fried rice.  He chose a sophisticated turtle chocolate torte for his birthday cake.  We sang. He opened his gift and is now glued to the television playing a game on an actual school night. He is happy as a clam.

Poor J2 ended up getting sick after his birthday doughnut last Friday. I got a call right before my Chemistry class that he had gotten sick so I came home.  I ended up cleaning puke most of the day.  Later that night, J1 got sick at his scout camp out so I drove out and picked him up.  Then around midnight I got sick!  It was not fun.

We got a new cake for J2 and sang to him a day late even though I wasn't fully feeling well. He had fun and today we also gave him a belated gift.

All is well. What more could a mom ask?

Theatre Thursday- I'm singing!

I am taking voice lessons in an effort to improve my voice and work on breath support. I apparently have a knack for picking songs that are really hard to sing. I am currently working on Maybe This Time from Cabaret and Unexpected Song from Song and Dance.  Unexpectedly, Unexpected Song is easier for me and I felt like it was the one song that if I could sing it, I could sing anything I wanted. I was so naive.

Good news is I can hit a high G and even all the way up to a high B flat on a good day and I can sing as low as a man. My range has been surprising. My issues it turns out are mostly psychological.  I am not used to hearing myself sing high and when I know a higher note is coming, I have a bad habit of psyching myself out.

We went through Maybe This Time and made some conscious acting choices and it helped but I have found that I am out of shape acting wise, because it has been so long. I am enjoying it but I had taken for granted how hard it can actually be to perform.  Add on top of that, singing correctly while giving a meaningful and believable performance and I was intimidated. It did however help my singing and I sounded better than ever, until I got to the section where  I knew the notes were high.

The crazy thing is that Unexpected Song has even higher notes than Maybe This Time, but I don't have any problem hitting them.  My issues in that song are breathing in all the correct places.

So, I have learned I have issues.  My voice instructor joked that maybe I need a counselor and not voice lessons. My voice is amazing according to him. I just need to believe in myself.  So, I am going to work on believing in myself, but I could sure use some outside encouragement.

Of course, I realize that I really just need to accept that I am amazing. Not just that I will be awesome in the future, which I will, but that I am pretty special right now.  Why must it be so hard for me to believe that I am of worth?  I need some self esteem lessons.

I'm not perfect and I never will be, but what I am right now is enough for right now. Onwards and upwards!

Trailer Trash Tuesday-Gah!

Today while we were at school, the awning was blown up and over the RV. It is still there as the rain hasn't stopped and it is not safe to go up there.  The frames that hold it are all bent out of shape.  Just one more thing  to add to the list of things needing to be fixed.  I am grateful there wasn't any more damage and that we are all safe and warm. I'll post a picture as soon as I can. It is too scary out there for now!

Mommy Monday- March Madness

One peculiarity about my kiddos is that they were all born in March. While it is fun to celebrate all in one month it also makes it a bit crazy.  The boys' birthdays are first, followed by the girls. My poor youngest daughter has lamented that her birthday is too far away from the other kids birthdays, it is two weeks later.

Friday is the first birthday and I still have no idea what I am going to do for any of their birthdays. I have been so wrapped up in my classes and tests that it sort of snuck up on me this year.  I used to plan great parties for the older kids when they were little. Living in a fifth wheel makes such parties difficult.

We had a tradition of the birthday doughnut.  We used to do pancakes, but since my time has been more limited in the morning and doughnuts became more of a rarity around here, the birthday doughnut tradition was born. This also means we are all sick of doughnuts by April. Last year, A2 opted for a birthday bagel and A1 opted for blueberry waffles. So, I guess we have a new tradition once again.

 


They will get a choice of either me making them a cake/dessert or picking one out from the store. They also get to pick their favorite dinner that I have made. I do know that on Friday we will be having macaroni and cheese with hot dogs. It is not my favorite meal and is a mostly a hurry up and throw something together meal, but J2 loves it.

For the most part, March makes me remember how lucky I am to have four wonderful children. They help me to be thankful for the small things. They grow up way too fast. Somehow, this year I will become a  mother of a teenager. I don't think I am old enough to be the mother of a teenager! We will make it through somehow. I hope we are ready for it.

Whatever Wednesday- And then I said something stupid.

I have a confession to make.

I have this issue where I care about what everyone thinks about me.

I like to cultivate the way people view me. Of course, part of this is due to acting and analyzing every detail to come up with a character and their motivations. I guess, in a way, I am always creating my own character.

Most of the time, I think I am fairly conscious of how I am being perceived. I am also very careful about what I say because I want people to feel comfortable at all times.  I actually really care about people, not just about how they feel towards me.  Oftentimes, I feel as though I am emotionally attached to people who could care less about me.

This has caused several problems for me lately.

I had a craptastic week a while ago. It was a Murphy's Law week where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I was having a major pity party for one.  I won't bore you with the details. Anyway, there are some fabulous women who I have conversed with on occasion online, who I wanted to go to and complain. Generally, when this happens they give support and comfort because they are awesome. As I was reading through the thread, many of these ladies had rightfully complained about what problems they were having.

And then I said something stupid.

I went on a bit of a rant and basically said that my problems were worse than theirs and to please stop complaining and do it elsewhere. I was sick of one of my few safe havens becoming a complain fest.

Yet, I was doing the exact thing I was complaining about. Not one of my finer moments. I only hope they can forgive me.

Next instance, I was helping a friend clean up her former home that she had rented.  We also ran some errands. I had to pick up a prescription for J1 and since my hubs had the one car that was working that week she took me.  We were talking about some of my recent voice lessons and future plans. I mentioned that I was having issues with my high notes recently.

And then I said something stupid.

I told her that I view myself as man-ish most of the time.

It probably stems from being in the Army or from being cast in a boy role many times in high school. Also, I am pretty clueless when it comes to all thing frilly and pink. She informed me that I was totally off. Apparently, most people view me as very feminine.

So, this got me thinking. How I view myself verses how others view me is completely off.  I have a suspicion that this is not just limited to the masculine vs. feminine.  I have been told that I am pretty awesome from time to time and I just blow it off like it is nothing.  I see all my faults with such blinding clarity that it has made it difficult for me to see the good.

I was off in another way too. Pink and frilly does not necessarily equate with femininity.

The other problem is that I have been so caught up in all the very real, heartbreaking problems that I have been facing, that I have missed opportunities to help my friends when they really needed me emotionally, physically or mentally. I realized that it is not just important to help those less fortunate than me, but that it is important to help and be there for those who are more fortunate than me, should they need me.

The thing is that everybody has very real, heartbreaking problems.  What may seem to me to be a small problem, may in fact be a very large problem for someone else.  This perspective will and can only do harm.

What I have decided to do instead, is to not focus on the "problem"  or whether it is "big or small" but  rather to realize that someone is suffering. Once I realize that someone is suffering, my only job at that point is to be there in any way that I can. This is my resolve. Please forgive me for not being there in the past. I will try to be there from now on.

Basically, I realized that I need to cut others some slack and cut myself some slack at the same time.  We all want to be loved, when it comes down to it. So, I am going to fill my life with love for others and in doing so, I think I may just be able to love myself too.

And then I finally said something smart.

Friends on Friday- The Hunn

I met The Hunn at church.  She had flaming red hair and a wardrobe that proved she had personality to boot.

The Hunn

We really got to know each other well when I was the chorister for the children in our ward and she was our pianist. We would chat behind the piano while the lesson was being taught before or after singing time.  She is a kindred spirit and one of my all time best friends. She is wicked smart and always made me smile even when I didn't want to smile.  She did make me cry once, but that was because she surprised me by giving me free tickets to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival and a free overnight stay at a hotel.  It was because of her that I was able to go to OSF for the first time.  She also encouraged me in pursuing my degree and I will always be grateful that she helped give me the courage to try. So, here we go!


N: Can you tell me a bit about yourself?

H: Sure! Well, I grew up in the Air Force and so I moved around a lot. I think that's why I still really love exploring things, geography, and maps. I'm also always very concerned about figuring out exactly where I am and where I'm going (literally and metaphorically) because of my transient childhood. I get really frustrated if I feel lost in a city, but also if I feel like I'm not working towards a big goal. Always wanting to keep moving--that's me. (Unless it's jogging. I hate jogging...)


I met my husband, Paul, when we were both working at the library in college. We worked together for three years and didn't go on our first date till two months before graduation. We both had been accepted into PhD programs on opposite sides of the country, though, so we we broke up after a month of dating thinking that things just wouldn't work out.

Aaaaaaaand, we got married two and a half years after that. Turns out that we just never could forget about each other.

Aren't they adorable!

We lived in Oregon for three years after I moved away from Boston and now we're living in Germany! We moved here for Paul's post-doc in biology and I'm teaching English at the local university here while I'm finishing a master's degree in GIS (computer-based cartography...think a fancy version of Google Earth). See? I love maps!

We've really been taking advantage of how inexpensive it is to fly places within Europe (15 dollars for a flight to Rome!) and in the four months we've been here, we've spent weekends in Istanbul, Prague, and London. I'm trying to learn German, but it's incredibly hard! I hope I can at least understand what the cashiers are saying to me at the grocery store by the end of two years.

N: What are you passionate about?

H: I'm really passionate about women's rights and feminist theology, actually. It was the main focus of my PhD dissertation prospectus--I wanted to examine the ways Mormonism (the faith I grew up in) and feminism complemented and contradicted each other.

After two years of coursework, I realized that studying that topic was getting too emotionally difficult for me to handle. At school I felt like I was being too critical of the culture I grew up in. But, at church, I felt like greater truths and rights I felt very strongly about were belittled or actively silenced. Living split all the time really took its toll on me professionally and personally. So, I officially withdrew from my program's emphasis so that I could be more free to express my true feelings in both my publications and my work within the historical department of the LDS church (not to mention just my daily interactions with friends and family!).

So, blah blah, I feel like I'm blabbering. I'm sorry!

I'm very passionate about making sure all women feel that there is a powerful female deity with authority in the universe. I feel that women should be truly respected as whole and complex human beings in their personal, professional, and spiritual lives--never made to feel "under" or "less than" any other person simply because of their sex. I feel that women should be represented more in scripture and over and behind the pulpit. Only then will both men and women really be able to work together and serve together in a religious community with the greatest strength.

This is a strong and amazing woman
and her triumphal return to London

I believe that women should be given the power, self-assurance, and individuality in their spiritual communities that we all already know they have inherently! And this should be available in every aspect in their lives, not just at church. Though, in my particular studies and writing, I've just focused on theology because I saw how integrated gender roles and doctrine were in my childhood religion and how religious gender theology has shaped subtle and not-so-subtle hierarchies between gender for millenia.

N: I am not surprised that you were able to help give me self-assurance, now that I know all that! One of the many reasons I so value your friendship is because you have made me feel valued as a woman and that it is okay for me to want to be considered an equal among men. You made me realize that it was not only okay to be intelligent but necessary.

What was a defining moment in your life?

H: Wow! Let me think about this. This is a good question!

I think I'd have to say that it was the day I realized that I loved Paul. We had been just writing letters to each other for about six months while we were in grad school--nothing romantic, just asking each other how things were going. 

One early morning (March 5th, 2007--I even remember) I woke up, sat straight up in bed (which is weird for me, I'm really bad at waking up), and said, out loud, alone in my room,

"I love Paul and I am going to marry him."

And I was so surprised! I had no idea where that came from! It was like it wasn't even me talking, but someone else talking through me.

Right after I said it I just felt so relaxed and peaceful and happy. I jumped out of bed and did a little jig on the floor and thought, "That's totally the right thing to do. That is what is going to happen. We could get married tomorrow and I wouldn't be scared or worried at all."

And a year and a half later, we got married. 

I've never had anything like that happen to me before or since.

Yay, marriage!

N: That is an amazing story of you two. There is nothing like knowing you are with the person that you are meant to be with. Now on to some fun stuff.

You have been doing lots of traveling since you have moved to Germany. 

What is the funnest experience you have had so far and what is the most amazing thing you have eaten?

H: Oh man! We've seen and done so many amazing things so far, but for a FUN experience, I'd have to say that taking a Turkish Bath was pretty hilarious and awesome. Had to let go of a lot of inhibitions on that one, since a large part of it was completely undressing and getting a rough scrub-down by an equally nude female attendant. But, it was great because I realized that I shouldn't have to feel embarrassed about my body, you know? And it was actually really fun to just hang out in that steam room and get a bubble bath in a bath house that was built in the 1700s. That was in Istanbul--which just was a really mind-blowing place all together.

Outside the Turkish 'bate'

And for eating, I think the food we ate in Prague was the best so far (and really inexpensive) and I still have dreams about the apple strudel there (yah-ble-ko-vee zah-vin) and some roasted wild boar.

Then, of course, there were the spicy sheep intestine sandwiches in Turkey--not so bad, actually!

Sheep intestines!

N: Surprising about the sheep intestine sandwiches. I loved your blog post about the Turkish bath. Where else are you planning on visiting?

H: Well, we made a list and a really strict monthly budget when we first got here so we've planned out quite a few places already (traveling is the reason we moved here so we're not going to let it pass us by!). Our goal was to try to visit a different country each month (4-5 day trip) and so far we've been pretty good about that.

We aren't going anywhere in February though, because we're taking a double-length trip (10 day) in March to ITALY! WOO! (it was our #2 place we wanted to go). We're also trying to save enough money to take an 8-day trip to Scotland in the Fall or Summer (our #1 place). 

Otherwise, we're trying to plan shorter, long-weekend trips (the 4-5 day trips) for the other months of the year to Paris, Spain, Southern France, Denmark, maybe Poland, Vienna, Switzerland, Budapest, the coast of Turkey, and maybe one of the Scandinavian countries. I'd really like to see Finland because I'm working on a project about it at work right now, but it is one of the most expensive countries in Europe so we'll see...

We're getting really good at traveling for 5 days with just one small backpack and really being on-a-shoestring budget travelers so if anyone wants some tips about how to travel in Europe inexpensively, please feel free to ask me any questions!!

N: You are just fabulous. I'm 5th generation Scottish, so Scotland is high up on my list too. My number one is currently London because I want to go to the Globe and see a show there. Of course one of my dreams is to perform there. Thanks for taking a picture of it for me.

Paul at The Globe! 

In closing, I was wondering if you would like to share some of your favorite web sites or articles that in your opinion empower women?

H: Oh man! That's hard! It's just hard because I think that since everyone is a totally individual person, each person finds their individual power from a million different places--so it would be hard for me to try and think of one source that would give strength to *all* women in the world...but hm...let me see...

I think that for anyone who is or grew up LDS (Mormon) that the websites feministmormonhousewives.org or the-exponent.com have a really good selection of articles about the experience of the ups and downs of being a woman and a feminist in the church. I have a great deal of respect for most of the authors--many of whom I knew personally in graduate school or met at theology conferences and they are all really generous, kind, passionate people. But I also know that some people could find some articles on these sights a little frightening or vaguely threatening at first, so I guess I'm sorry about that if that might make some uncomfortable--that's not the intention.

I think any website or organization that encourages free agency for everyone--men and women--in their life choices is positive, especially those that help people gain a really well-rounded education about gender, society, and how they interrelate. I have trouble thinking of websites about these things in particular though! I'm sorry! I can think of a few books, however.

For example, there's the recent book "Delusions of Gender" by Dr. Cordelia Fine is really solid and a good intro to the whole issue. 

I also thought "Marriage: A History" by Stephanie Coontz was incredibly interesting! Especially showing how the whole "ideal" marriage has changed over the centuries and why--this, of course, is very integral to both the study of femininity and masculinity.

I haven't read this next book, but I think it would be interesting to any readers out there who might be parents of daughters. I've heard a lot of good things about the author too: "Schoolgirls: Young Women, Self-Esteem, and the Confidence Gap" by Peggy Orenstein.

N: Thank you, so much Heidi! Those are all wonderful and you know how I love a good book. Everyone needs a friend like you. I absolutely adore and love you! I miss you so much. Thank you for being a great friend, role model and awesome human being.

One of my favorite pictures, of an amazing couple
made up of two incredible people.

Theatre Thursday- The Curious Savage

The Curious Savage by John Patrick was the last show that I performed at the Hale Center Theatre before I took a long hiatus from the theatre scene.  It was directed by Mark S.P. Turvin, who also happened to be a theatre critic in AZ at the time.  When I first read the script, I was immediately drawn to the character of Fairy May and I was lucky enough to have landed the role. J1 also got to be in the show as John Thomas. He was just in a short scene at the end and just had to look cute. He was brilliant.

J1 backstage

I got to wear several wigs and had some amazing costumes.  Originally, my hair was going to be messy/ratty and then we were going to try to make it look nice for the end scene, but my hair didn't allow that to be a possibility so we went with the wigs.  Fairy May was a resident at a mental facility.

The wigs and my makeup station

She was fun on the outside but had a lot of pain on the inside.  I found the book, Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Pipher to be insightful regarding Fairy May's psyche. When I played Ophelia, I had used this book for a reference into mental illnesses in young women and also the societal pressures that they face.

Actually, this show is a comedy. I promise. You can read the synopsis here. I again got to play with my dear friends, Jere, and Alaina. The lead in this show was played by Jacqueline Gaston, she was amazing.  The pictures I do have are mostly backstage and a few press shots. I don't have any of me as Fairy May. I had tried to track some down before I wrote this post but had no luck.

Jere

The set

Alaina