Whatever Wednesday- And then I said something stupid.

I have a confession to make.

I have this issue where I care about what everyone thinks about me.

I like to cultivate the way people view me. Of course, part of this is due to acting and analyzing every detail to come up with a character and their motivations. I guess, in a way, I am always creating my own character.

Most of the time, I think I am fairly conscious of how I am being perceived. I am also very careful about what I say because I want people to feel comfortable at all times.  I actually really care about people, not just about how they feel towards me.  Oftentimes, I feel as though I am emotionally attached to people who could care less about me.

This has caused several problems for me lately.

I had a craptastic week a while ago. It was a Murphy's Law week where everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.  I was having a major pity party for one.  I won't bore you with the details. Anyway, there are some fabulous women who I have conversed with on occasion online, who I wanted to go to and complain. Generally, when this happens they give support and comfort because they are awesome. As I was reading through the thread, many of these ladies had rightfully complained about what problems they were having.

And then I said something stupid.

I went on a bit of a rant and basically said that my problems were worse than theirs and to please stop complaining and do it elsewhere. I was sick of one of my few safe havens becoming a complain fest.

Yet, I was doing the exact thing I was complaining about. Not one of my finer moments. I only hope they can forgive me.

Next instance, I was helping a friend clean up her former home that she had rented.  We also ran some errands. I had to pick up a prescription for J1 and since my hubs had the one car that was working that week she took me.  We were talking about some of my recent voice lessons and future plans. I mentioned that I was having issues with my high notes recently.

And then I said something stupid.

I told her that I view myself as man-ish most of the time.

It probably stems from being in the Army or from being cast in a boy role many times in high school. Also, I am pretty clueless when it comes to all thing frilly and pink. She informed me that I was totally off. Apparently, most people view me as very feminine.

So, this got me thinking. How I view myself verses how others view me is completely off.  I have a suspicion that this is not just limited to the masculine vs. feminine.  I have been told that I am pretty awesome from time to time and I just blow it off like it is nothing.  I see all my faults with such blinding clarity that it has made it difficult for me to see the good.

I was off in another way too. Pink and frilly does not necessarily equate with femininity.

The other problem is that I have been so caught up in all the very real, heartbreaking problems that I have been facing, that I have missed opportunities to help my friends when they really needed me emotionally, physically or mentally. I realized that it is not just important to help those less fortunate than me, but that it is important to help and be there for those who are more fortunate than me, should they need me.

The thing is that everybody has very real, heartbreaking problems.  What may seem to me to be a small problem, may in fact be a very large problem for someone else.  This perspective will and can only do harm.

What I have decided to do instead, is to not focus on the "problem"  or whether it is "big or small" but  rather to realize that someone is suffering. Once I realize that someone is suffering, my only job at that point is to be there in any way that I can. This is my resolve. Please forgive me for not being there in the past. I will try to be there from now on.

Basically, I realized that I need to cut others some slack and cut myself some slack at the same time.  We all want to be loved, when it comes down to it. So, I am going to fill my life with love for others and in doing so, I think I may just be able to love myself too.

And then I finally said something smart.