Trailer Trash Tuesday-Broken

List of things that are broken on the Trailer:

1. Kitchen sink has a big hole in the divider part of the two sinks. I fixed it with clear packing tape.

2. Refrigerator shelf. Attempted to fix with super glue but it broke again.

3. The toilet keeps leaking even after it was "fixed."

4. New floor vent covers are now cracked.

5. Hood for stove top doesn't want to stay up.

6. Bathroom fan is busted.

7. Laundry basket broke.

8. Hand towel holder in bathroom broke.

9. Couch covers are coming apart.

10. Shower/Tub faucet won't turn off so we have to close the shower head so that the water will stay off.

11. Silverware drawer.

I think the RV is trying to tell us to move or it is trying to help us accept the fact that we are living in a trailer that is trashed at the moment. But in better news, I am not feeling broken!

Mommy Monday

I really suck at being a blogging mother. I don't like to post about the things that my kids do when I don't know who will be reading everything.

They are all doing well. Those who are in school are getting good grades. The one that isn't in school is currently feeling a bit sick but still a sweetie.  Here's a picture from Christmas morning. Please note how they got in the Christmas spirit by turning their eyes red. Guess I will have to fix it when I have time... or not.

The Nothing

I like to pretend that I am strong and can be a good example to others. At least that is what I like to tell myself, that I am making a difference somehow because right now, things suck.

I deal with depression without meds. I am lucky that I can, or unlucky depending on who you ask. But right now I am in the midst of a severe bout but luckily school starts tomorrow and I will be able to exercise to keep the monster at bay. Well, that is my hope.  This post isn't for you but this time it is for me, because I am selfish like that.

I feel helpless. I feel that it is pointless,  I feel like nothing.  Depression to me feels like The Nothing in The Never-ending Story. A big black cloud that takes away everything that is beautiful, good, creative, and strong in the world.  It makes me feel like a nothing. Because it is something inside of me I feel that I am worthless and that I am The Nothing.  That everything I come into contact with becomes broken.  I withdraw from those I should care about and things that should be beautiful, good, creative and strong just seem as if they don't matter because nothing matters when I am depressed and that makes me feel more depressed.

The trigger to this latest bout was leaving Arizona after Christmas break.  The drive back was long and tedious and I was hurting from having dental work done down in Mexico.  I was mourning leaving my family once again.  I was stuck listening to a book on CD for hours, that I had no desire to hear.  I got back to the RV and suddenly there was a ton of work to do and things started breaking.  Then we found out that our renter in AZ is going to be moving at the end of February. So, now we are going to be stuck with a house payment for a house that we can't live in, leaving us with even less money than we already have.  It has made things harder than normal.

Even as I write that it just seems so petty and repetitive. Poor me, I'm so poor, your problems are insignificant to mine because I live in an RV blah blah blah.  I get sick of the constant complaining and that there seems to be always some tragedy lurking in the distance in my life and in my head.  Just when I get a glimpse of happiness, something happens to snatch it all away.  The thing that really has me scared is that I am losing my compassion for others.  The first couple years made me more sympathetic, but the longer I have been here the less feelings I have for others who I feel have it better than me.  The real me is kind, considerate and compassionate, but right now a monster has control and I am in the battle for my life once again.

I recently read two blogs that impacted me and made me jealous at the same time. One highlights that others who deal with depression have a much more severe version that I do, and the other is about not having mommy guilt, but I think that it can be applied to those that are not mothers too.  For now, I am going to recognize that I am of no use to anyone at the moment. So, here are two links to the two blogs:

The Bloggess

Don't Carpe Diem

I'm going to go try to scrape myself up and clean and pretend like everything is fine, even though I just want to   disappear.

Friends on Friday- Terri

What better way to recharge the blog than with a friend interview. This one has been brewing for a while, thanks for being patient.

Terri is a friend to all that she meets.  She is always smiling and willing to lend an ear.  Her kids are super sweet and have their mother's talent of making you feel special and loved.  We both are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and I had the privilege of teaching her kids songs in Primary. Her children would always sing their best and would give me a hug at any opportunity.  She is a good friend so I wanted to know more about her.

N: Could you tell me a bit about yourself?

T: I am a stay at home mom to 3 rambunctious kids ages 4, 6 & 8 and a wife to an amazing rambunctious man. We met while I was living with a friend and her husband. We were married 8 months later. I am a "Coastie Wife". This is what you are called if you are married to someone who is in the Coast Guard. We have been married for 10 years. It's been a great experience meeting new people (although it takes me a while to get to know people because I am not outgoing when it comes to making friends, but I'm getting better with this whole moving every 3-5 years.)

N: What are you passionate about?

T: I am passionate about the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had a wild streak when I moved out of my mom's house that lasted about 3 years. I know personally what it feels like to not have the Holy Ghost with you. Ever since coming back to church, my life has changed tremendously--not only mine, but my husbands as well.

N: What was a defining moment in your life?

T:  My daughter's blessing day. This is the day that changed my life! The opening song in sacrament meeting was "Families Can Be Together Forever". Tears streamed down my face. They continued through her whole blessing. That day I told my husband that I was going to go back to church. I knew it was where I needed to be!

N: What are the best and worst things about being a Coastie wife? What was your favorite place to live?

T: Best: Getting to see new places... even though we met here in Oregon, transferred to Kodiak, Alaska, and then transferred back to here.. so I haven't been to many places! But.. Alaska was amazing! And going to a new ward and making new life long friends.

Worst: Having your husband away from you. In Alaska, he would have to be gone anywhere from 1-3 months at a time out in the Bering Sea on a boat... not being able to talk to him on the phone every day was hard! He could only call while he was in port. But I looked forward to a daily email from him, even if it was just "I'm OK!"

So far, I'd have to say Alaska--like I said... I haven't been to many places yet.. But... Kodiak is BEAUTIFUL! And lots of things to do with little kiddos! It's a great place to raise young kids, and there are so many people who are far away from their families that you just become one big family!

Kodiak, Alaska

N: I know you must have some fun stories about your kids. Could you tell me some of them?

T: M has always been a sweetheart to be around. We lived next door to my grandparents when she was a baby, until she turned one. When we transferred to Kodiak, my grandpa missed her so much, he would look through her pictures every day and they'd always put a smile on his face! We were able to visit one last time before he passed away, and while she was there, you wouldn't even know that he wasn't feeling well!

We are learning a lot of new things about B since he has started school! This year, he's decided that he likes running laps a whole bunch! Since school started on September 6th, with only 4 day school weeks, he has already ran 87 miles!

E is by far our most challenging child so far... But he's a lot of fun too! He's funny... whenever he's looking at something, he shouts out the first thing that comes to mind. We were looking through an oriental trading magazine when he was three... he saw a costume and said "That's what I want to be for Halloween... an Octopus Butt!" First of all... why would anyone want to be an octopus butt for halloween??? Second... it was an alien!

N: They are so fun! What advice would you give other military wives?

T: Try not to get frustrated with your husband's job... because he's probably frustrated with it more than you, and then having you frustrated as well puts more stress on him!!! Make sure he knows you are thankful for him and that you love him!

I think he knows that Terri is thankful for him!

N: What are some of the ways that your life has changed for the better since coming back to church?

T: The most important is having A join the church, and being able to go to the temple to be sealed together forever! I'm healthier... making better choices! Being a good example to my kids!

N: Terri, thank you so much for sharing your life with me. You are not only a good example to your kids but to me and all that you meet.

Dead Week and Finals after

This week is dead week at school and finals is the next week.  Please forgive me but if I have to choose between my family suffering, my grades suffering, or my blog I am going to have to choose my blog.  I will post when I have time but right now time is a precious commodity. See you on the other side.

Trailer Trash Tuesday- Thankful for Laundry

Fifth wheel living means no washer and dryer.  I used to have to pack up all the kids and take a weeks worth of laundry to the laundry mat every Tuesday, because that is when they had 1/2 price drying time.

These days I am blessed with a SIL who lives in town and lets me use their washer and dryer.  Lately, all I've had to do is drop off my laundry with my kids.  My kids end up happy and my laundry is washed and dry when I get home from school.  It is a huge blessing.

Of course, occasionally the kids will get sick or have an accident and then I still have to spend two hours at the laundromat, but luckily those are few and far between. Now, I just need to fold it all, so that it isn't taking up half my living area.

But today, I am thankful for having laundry to fold and in laws to help me clean and dry it all.

Mommy Monday- Thankful

In honor of Thanksgiving on Thursday, this week will be a 'I'm thankful for' theme feature each day according to topic.

Can I just say that my kids are awesome? I am so thankful to be their mother. I'm thankful for my kids. They make me laugh everyday.

J1- Is growing into a fine young man.  He is developing a good work habit at school and scouts.  He endures his affliction well and is finally starting to not take himself so seriously.  He still loves to give me hugs and I love it.

A1- Is my darling girl who just wants to be loved.  She is sensitive, like her mom, and is mindful of other's feelings.  She loves to sing and has a beautiful voice. She is doing great in school and makes me so proud.

J2- Is such an outgoing and fun boy.  He loves to tell jokes even if they don't make any sense.  He is currently running laps at school so that he can earn rubber ducks.  He says he is going to win a ton and sell them all to make lots of money so we can buy a house with stairs.  He just melts my heart.

A2- Is my little shadow.  She is a little princess. She is always seeking me out for hugs and kisses.  She also loves babying the neighbor's cat and is always asking people if she can pet their dogs.

I didn't originally seek out motherhood, but it found me.  I am so grateful that they are a part of my life.  I think they have taught me more about love and compassion than I would have been able to learn on my own. I am eternally grateful that they are mine.