The Nothing

I like to pretend that I am strong and can be a good example to others. At least that is what I like to tell myself, that I am making a difference somehow because right now, things suck.

I deal with depression without meds. I am lucky that I can, or unlucky depending on who you ask. But right now I am in the midst of a severe bout but luckily school starts tomorrow and I will be able to exercise to keep the monster at bay. Well, that is my hope.  This post isn't for you but this time it is for me, because I am selfish like that.

I feel helpless. I feel that it is pointless,  I feel like nothing.  Depression to me feels like The Nothing in The Never-ending Story. A big black cloud that takes away everything that is beautiful, good, creative, and strong in the world.  It makes me feel like a nothing. Because it is something inside of me I feel that I am worthless and that I am The Nothing.  That everything I come into contact with becomes broken.  I withdraw from those I should care about and things that should be beautiful, good, creative and strong just seem as if they don't matter because nothing matters when I am depressed and that makes me feel more depressed.

The trigger to this latest bout was leaving Arizona after Christmas break.  The drive back was long and tedious and I was hurting from having dental work done down in Mexico.  I was mourning leaving my family once again.  I was stuck listening to a book on CD for hours, that I had no desire to hear.  I got back to the RV and suddenly there was a ton of work to do and things started breaking.  Then we found out that our renter in AZ is going to be moving at the end of February. So, now we are going to be stuck with a house payment for a house that we can't live in, leaving us with even less money than we already have.  It has made things harder than normal.

Even as I write that it just seems so petty and repetitive. Poor me, I'm so poor, your problems are insignificant to mine because I live in an RV blah blah blah.  I get sick of the constant complaining and that there seems to be always some tragedy lurking in the distance in my life and in my head.  Just when I get a glimpse of happiness, something happens to snatch it all away.  The thing that really has me scared is that I am losing my compassion for others.  The first couple years made me more sympathetic, but the longer I have been here the less feelings I have for others who I feel have it better than me.  The real me is kind, considerate and compassionate, but right now a monster has control and I am in the battle for my life once again.

I recently read two blogs that impacted me and made me jealous at the same time. One highlights that others who deal with depression have a much more severe version that I do, and the other is about not having mommy guilt, but I think that it can be applied to those that are not mothers too.  For now, I am going to recognize that I am of no use to anyone at the moment. So, here are two links to the two blogs:

The Bloggess

Don't Carpe Diem

I'm going to go try to scrape myself up and clean and pretend like everything is fine, even though I just want to   disappear.