Trailer Trash Tuesday- Home is Family

Circumstances being what they are, I have been contemplating on life in our RV.  I was struck this morning by the lovely view and the stars twinkling as the sun started to rise over the horizon.  I then sat in awe in realizing that we are getting close to ending our time in the RV. A wave of gratitude washed over me and strangely a sense of sadness.  I will miss this place.  I like to joke and complain about the difficulties of living here but the truth is we have grown closer as a family.  It made me realize that home is family.

As we were trying to find a place to take our family pictures, we drove past the kids old school that was shut down last year. We decided that we should take our pictures there as it was empty. We were going to take some photos by the grass but the "HOME" part really stuck out to me.  We have been labeled as homeless but we really aren't.  As I said before, home is family.

Mommy Monday- An Unexpected Surprise

My body trembled and shook as I breathed and moaned through the intense contraction. Sweat dripped off of my skin in droves as if I had been running a marathon. My husband was dashing around trying to get everything ready for the baby’s imminent arrival. 

It was a couple days until my due date and my midwife was running late. Where the heck was she! She knew that once the contractions became almost intolerable that the baby would be here quickly. I was angry. This was my fourth pregnancy, so we knew by experience that it would be time soon. I was trying very hard not to push. 

 A primitive sound escaped my mouth. Panic was trying to creep into my mind. The pain was unrelenting. Without warning I heard an internal pop and felt the baby’s head slip into the birth canal. I yelled for my husband. This baby was coming whether we were ready or not. I let my body take over and do what it was made to do. With a gush of water and no other fanfare, my youngest daughter was born. I gently cradled her in my arms and she looked up at me with her bright innocent eyes. In that moment, I was happy.

That amazing experience, along with many others, has shown me that happiness is often found in some of the most unusual circumstances. I have also discovered that I am best able to recognize happiness after feeling an emotion that is one of the polar opposites of happiness. For instance, despite the anger, pain, and intense non-happy feelings experienced during the labor and delivery of my fourth child; an incredible sense of peace, love and happiness was mine at the end of it all. 

 I find that happiness is found within ourselves regardless of where we are geographically located. My definition or idea of happiness best coincides with a Denis Waitley quote. He sums it up perfectly, “Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.”

Friends on Friday- Cathy

What to say about Cathy?  It is not that I don't have the words, it is just that there are so many words to describe her. She is unique.  She is one of those mothers who somehow manages to work full time but always have time for her daughters and her friends.  She is always planning fun things for them to do.  She has 392 pictures on her phone and not one of them is of her.  She is selfless, compassionate and loving to all whom she calls friend.  She also has been having some debilitating health problems lately but she powers through them everyday with a smile on her face and a joke at the ready for whomever needs her.  I adore Cathy and I am honored to have her as my friend...

One of the only single pictures of Cathy from work.

N: Tell me about yourself.

C: I am a 33 (until Saturday) mother of two. Happily unmarried with two cats and one dog.

Cathy with her two daughters, A1 and A2.

N: What are you most passionate about?

C: My kids and family

N: What was one of the defining moments in your life?

C:  Man, there have been so many. I would say the defining moment was losing my mom at age 17.

N: What is the funnest thing you have done with your kids?

C: We are always doing fun things. While we have done the Disney trip, rock climping, cave exploring and amusement parks, the most fun we have are the unplanned moments.Singing "The Lazy Song" while driving down the road at the top of our lungs with the windows down. Or just hanging out doing competitions on the Wii's Dance Revolution game. Picnics in the back yard, even when it is raining. Staring up at the clouds on a warm summer day. Picking strawberries and turning it into some yummy dessert. I would have to say the funnest thing I have done with my kids, is just being a kid myself.

N: I remember you telling me several kidisms that your youngest daughter has said. What is your favorite kidism that you have heard from her?


C: I have often said I should keep a book. The mind of a 3 year old, so innocent and unknowing yet thoughtful and kind.

The only thing I can think of right now is last night as I was tucking A2 in she told me not to kiss her on the mouth because her nose was running, instead I was to kiss her on her fourth head so I wouldnt get sick. I could not help but laugh.

N: I have heard you are a bit of a prankster, what is your most memorable prank?

C: My most memorable prank was not intended to be a prank. I made black bean brownies and told everyone not to eat to many because they were made with black beans. My SO decided I said that to keep everyone from eating them all and ate the whole pan. By 3 am he was in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. It looked like he was in labor.

N: That's funny. Now for something a bit serious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to. Do you think that losing your mom at an early age helped you become a better mom?

C: It helped and it hurt.

 

It helped me see time is short and you never know how much time you have left. So I tend to live each day as it could be my last. While I know I was very much loved growing up, I make sure I always tell my kids and loved ones I love them everyday. I make sure to cherish those special moments as you never know when or if they will come again.

But I grew up too fast and became a mom at 17 to my younger brothers. I have never finished college since I dropped out to raise and support them. I never really had a chance to grow up. I sometimes feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders with no one to turn to.  I feel it has made it harder to develop relationships with friends and/or romantic partners as I am always afraid of losing the one I love. It has also made me avoid conflict as the last conversation I had with my mom was an argument. I have never been able to let that go.  Even when that means sacraficing my own wants and needs.

N: I am glad you decided to be my friend.  Like I said before, you are one of the most selfless people I know. I'm curious and nosy, what made you decide to be "Happily unmarried"?

C:  I was married to my oldest daughters dad. The day we got married he turned into Dr Jekyl (or which ever one was the bad one). I do not know why. He was mentally abusive and unfaithful. I sank into a deep depression.

To me, I have made the commitment in my heart to love S. and for now he is fine with that. I am sure one day he will press the issue of getting married, and I will go through with it. But marriage scares me to death. We live together as husband and wife with out the benefits of being a married couple. But we love each other just as much as most married couples, if not more than some.

N: If you could actually know that your wish would come true when you blow out your candles on your birthday, what would you wish for?

C: My oldest daughter not to struggle. She is having a rough time with adolescence and was diagnosed Bipolar a couple years ago. I wish she could wake up cured. I wish she could see how wonderful of a person she is and how much she is loved. I wish she did not struggle with anxiety and depression. If it were possible I would take her disorder on my shoulders so she could grow up and happy preteen and worry about things preteen girls are suppose to worry about like boys and clothes and friends. But I do not see that happening, so instead I wish for the love and patience to help her through this time in her life so she can grow into the loving beautiful person I know she is.

N:  I wish I could grant that wish for you Cathy.  But, since I can't do that, I have asked several of your friends to write a little note, happy, funny, sentimental or whatever they wanted and needed to say about you for your birthday.  My wish for you is that you will know you are beloved of your friends and as you will see, we all think you are great. Happy Birthday, Cathy. May it be as wonderful as you are.

Cathy's friends:

Sarah: 

Cathy is the single most dedicated mom I know. Rain or shine, tired, whatever, she makes every minute count. And she has a wicked sense of humor, too.

Crystal A: 

Cathy is a great listener. :)

Ashley T: 

Cathy doesn't let life bog her down no matter how many lemons are tossed her way. She is awesome at tossing the lemons right back at life. She is an inspiration as a woman, mother and friend. LOVE YOU CATHY <3 Happy Birthday to the bestest Cathy in the whole wide world.

Jen R: 

Cathy has been a great support and true friend in my darkest hours. I appreciate her humor, her dedication to her girls and her strength inspires me.

Paige: 

Cathy always knows the right thing to say no matter what your problem is. She helps you solve your problem giving you a laugh along the way. She is an amazing mommy and friend!

Lela: 

Cathy has truly been there for me thru good times and bad. We've been on two great vacations together and even spent 14 hours crammed into my tiny car together. She is an amazingly strong woman, mother and friend. Love her to pieces!!

Nicole: 

Cathy is truly one of the most amazing women I know. She is generous, caring, creative, and is the strongest woman I've ever had the pleasure of calling 'friend.' Through the ups and downs of life, she's always there with an encouraging word and inspiration. Love that lady!

Nadine: 

Cathy has all the best qualities any mom and friend could have. She is funny when you need to laugh, compassionate when you need to cry, sensible in the midst of chaos, strong enough for those in need of strength, and loving enough to love in spite of imperfection. I'm grateful to call her my friend and to learn so many wonderful things by watching her live and share.

Crystal T: 

Cathy is a strong and wonderful Woman. I admire her for her kindness and her gentle heart. She is truly an amazing Mother who would do anything for her children. She is there for her friends when they need a hug or when they could use a good laugh.

Laura I:  

Awesome, Brave, Caring, Dependable, Empowered, Fabulous, Giving, Hopeful, Incredible, Joyful, Kooky, Loving, Magnificent, Nifty, Optimistic, Pensive, Quirky, Resilient, Selfless, Thoughtful, Ultimate, Veracious, Wonderful, X-cellent, Yummy, Zany. I heart Cathy! She is the best.

Libby: 

Cathy has a true and honest love for all living things, and I admire her strength and resilience. She inspires me to want to be a better person, even though she doesn't even realize how unique she really is. Plus, she's totally hot. :)

Molly: 

C-caring
A-awesome
T-thoughtful
H-half-full kind of gal
Y- youthful and fun

Cathy is number one!

Deedra:

Webster's dictionary defines empathy as the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner. In the area for examples, there should be a listing for Cathy. She feels everything so deeply and truly understands her friends. It is a rare quality to find.

Nicky:

Cathy is a hilarious, amazing, caring, wonderful mother and person who I am proud to call a friend.

Irina:

Cathy is incredibly generous emotionally, physically, and mentally. She gives every last ounce of energy not only to her family and others that she loves, but anyone and everyone she comes across who needs it. I feel lucky to know someone so truly beautiful, selfless and kind.

Casie:

Cathy is the most selfless person I know. She is always the first to check on a friend in need and offer support. She is an amazing mother, who gives her all for her kids. She is kind, generous and beautiful inside and out. I am blessed to call her a friend.

Noe:  

Cathy, You are all these things and more.  Thanks for making me smile when I needed too and supporting me when I've cried.  I admire your strength, beauty and character. Happy Birthday.

If you would like to leave a birthday note for Cathy, please comment below this post.  

Theatre Thursday- Hale Centre Theater -AZ- Pointed Toes

In the summer of 2003 I helped assist at the Conservatory, I met some amazing people.  I designed and made the costumes for their production of A Midsummer Night's Dream.  It was an incredible summer filled with some very talented people who have gone on to do amazing things in the theatre community.

In the fall, one of my 'students', Chad K., called and told me that the leading lady in a show he was cast in, dropped out due to scheduling conflicts with another show.  He asked if I would be interested in auditioning.  I asked him what the show was about and a little about the character.

The show was called Man With the Pointed Toes by Lynn and Helen Root. He told me the show was about a cowboy who had suddenly found oil on a property that he had won in a card game.  He then meets a lady from NY and goes gaga for her.  He doesn't feel like he has enough 'culture' to win her and decides to hire a tutor to help educate him.  The lady from NY is a gold digger or oil digger as the case may be.  The schoolteacher he hires is a bit plain looking at first but has a heart of gold.  The cowboy and the schoolteacher start to have feelings for each other and hilarity ensues as they try to express their feelings and the ranch hands try to oust the NY gal out of the cowboy's life.  Basically, it is a romantic comedy about unrequited love. It was the AZ premiere of  Man With the Pointed Toes.

Headshot for the show

I said I was interested so I went down to audition.  As regular auditions had already occurred, there were just three of us there to audition for the schoolteacher role.  The director, Allan Dietlein, was there along with his son, Dave, who is the owner of the Hale Centre Theatre in AZ.  You can read about their amazing history here. They are gentlemen in every sense of the word.

Allan, Sandy, me and Dave on New Years 2004.

There were only cold readings with the leading man, no monologues.  It was kind of a weird audition because my competitors were in the room, if my memory serves me correctly. I threw myself into the character, one of the scenes we read was where the schoolteacher gets drunk/high on antidepressants and I just went with it, using my previous skills of acting drunk. It felt good to be acting again. We were then asked to wait in the hallway while they decided. Allan came out and said that they appreciated all of us coming to audition and that they decided to cast me in the role. I was really excited but had to contain my enthusiasm because the other auditionees were right there.

Me as Florence the school teacher/ tutor

I jumped right into rehearsals. It was a little weird coming into a cast that had already been working with each other for a bit.  I worked really hard on my characterization.  Alan's wife Sandy did the costumes for the show and is just an amazingly gracious woman.  Alaina B. played the lady from NY and she was just fabulous, we got to play in other shows later as well. We were the only women in the production and had a blast.

I wish I had a better picture but this is the only one my mom
was able to take of Alaina B. and Chad K.

The Hale Center Theatre is a theatre in the round, which means the audience is on all sides of the stage. Instead of looking up at the stage, they are seated stadium style on the four sides of the stage looking down or if you are on the front row, you are level with the actors on the stage. So, this was all new to me. The audience is very close and you have to not only act with your front side but your back side too.

View from the west.

View from the north.

The show was an instant success and we remounted it in their country theatre in Sandy, UT. We remounted it again in 2004 at Hale Centre Theatre.  Since I moved, they have done the show a couple more times, but with Alaina B. in the role I played and another actress in her original part.  The leading man was also recast for those later remounts.  It is a very entertaining show, it is a bit like My Fair Lady but with the teacher as a woman and the man as the one needing some refinement. So, I was not surprised it became an audience favorite.

Trying to look pretty and feeling like a failure.

Starting to fall in love

Feeling inadequate but trying to be encouraging.

It remains one of my favorite roles ever. I could play it a million times and not get sick of it.  The cast was just amazing and had great chemistry. The men who played the ranch hands were just brilliant comedic actors and made the show super fun.  I felt blessed to work with such amazing actors and was grateful to my former student for thinking of me for the role.

Chad, me, John J, John A, and Don C.

Chad and I along with my other Conservatory
friends in the background after a show.

This production was only the second show to perform in the newly built theatre. It is amazing that I am now a part of their incredible history. I wish I had some better pictures and a cast shot, but alas I do not.  This role led to some other great roles for this company but those will be highlighted in the coming weeks.

Whatever Wednesday- Bad Family Photos

I've been thinking about attempting to take family photos again.  We have always taken our own family photos with the timer on my camera.  So we have lots of mess up photos.  I hope that someday I will be able to get professional pictures done, but for now we must do it the frugal way.  So for your enjoyment here are the Mathias Family Photo Mess ups:

So, here it is the end of 2011 and we haven't had a chance to attempt another photo shoot.  I hope we have a good day here soon so we can do it.  Hopefully, they will turn out better than these.

Trailer Trash Tuesday- Too Many Tomatoes

Let me introduce you to my fridge.  As you can see it is very small and I shove as many things in there as I can. What can I say? This is trailer living at it's finest.  Recently, the bottom shelf on the door decided it had had enough and bailed on me.  So, now I have even less space than normal in there.  Those shelves are expensive at $25 bucks a pop. Ouch.

We were really blessed this year as far as tomatoes are concerned.  My BIL gave us a bunch of tomato plants toward the beginning of the summer and they just took off.  We have big tomatoes, medium tomatoes and small grape tomatoes.  I'm told tomatoes don't normally do well in this area but we must have them in a prime spot.

I have too many for our family to eat on our own, but not enough to can.  Luckily, this last Saturday our church had Super Saturday.  It is a day where women can pick a craft or two or more and just spend the day working on it and enjoying the company of other women. They also have a lunch and I signed up to bring a salad and a dessert.

I made a regular salad with the grape tomatoes but felt like I needed to do something else.  So, I looked in my teeny fridge and saw what I had on hand.  I had mozzarella and tomatoes. I then remembered that the Pioneer Woman had posted a recipe called Caprese Salad. I headed over to the grocery store and picked up some basil. I had all the other ingredients on hand.

The planets aligned for the briefest of moments and soon I had this:

OMGoodness, this was amazing.  I even heard much raving about my Caprese Salad at the luncheon.

Unfortunately the planets went out of alignment for my dessert and it wasn't as great as it could have been. My cursed oven wasn't cooking fast enough and the pumpkin cake I made was taking forever.  So, I made some vanilla pudding and put whip cream on top of it.  The whip cream melted on the way to the luncheon and looked horrendous.  The cake did get done in time and although it wasn't pretty, it was tasty. Here is the link to what I made but with regular icing, so easy, as long as you don't have an RV oven.

I was happy to use up all the tomatoes, but I just went out yesterday to the garden and got all of these...

I think another Caprese Salad is on the menu, or maybe tomato soup. Decisions, decisions. All I know is there is no room in my fridge.

Mommy Monday- Happiness Amid Misery

Wow, I don't know what I was thinking, but trying to blog on a Monday has proved to be the most difficult.  Add to that blogging about being a mom and that just doubles the problem.  So, I think the next four weeks on Monday, I will post a story about one of my kids.  This is a paper I wrote in my first Writing class, two years ago involving J1:

Happiness Amid Misery

The walls were a cold, blank white.  The room was quiet except for the whir and occasional beep of a machine. The lights were dimmed for the comfort of the little inhabitants of this place. He was encased in a plastic box with a lid like a bread box.  Wires ran from all the essential parts of his body. A tiny hand clenched my finger, making me feel as if I were a giantess.  As I lifted him from his clear case that eerily resembled Snow White’s coffin, I felt a jolt pierce through my heart. How was it that such a small thing could elicit such a strong emotion from me?  My firstborn son snuggled into the crook of my arm and happiness was mine.

Across the room a loud burst of beeping machines heralded an emergency. Nurses bolted into the room, followed by frantic doctors.  A tiny life was slipping away.  Time seemed to slow down.  My heart thudded in my chest in agony for the little child and its parents.  The alarms seemed to speed up and the doctor’s movements quickened. Suddenly, there was silence. The air was thick with grief. Here in the NICU  misery and happiness were companions and distanced by mere feet.

Eric Wiener says, “’Misery serves a purpose’ says psychologist David Myers. He’s right. Misery alerts us to dangers. It’s what spurs our imagination” (323). Statements like that infuriate me. Specifically, the last part really gets my goat. Misery serves many purposes, the least important being my imagination.   Most of those who have experienced true misery rightfully avoid it like the plague. Some like Eric Wiener, witness misery and try to minimize it by claiming it as a sort of Muse.  I do agree that it does alert us to dangers, but more importantly it can help us recognize and appreciate happiness.  Have you ever noticed that those who have experienced tragedy and misery and ‘escaped’ are some of the wisest and dare I say happy people you’ve ever heard of or met? Mother Teresa, for one, comes to mind. Do I think you have to have misery to experience happiness? No. I do, however, feel that to really appreciate happiness and embrace it, you need to be able to have something to contrast it against.  I’m not saying that you should go and seek out opportunities to experience misery; life will provide its own without any help.

My trip to the NICU that day taught me many things about life, especially relating to misery and happiness. Firstly, that happiness and misery in life can be a literal heartbeat away.  I may have forgotten that moment of happiness with my son, if it had not been etched into my memory because of the tragic event of that day. Even though I did not know that infant or its family, I was able to witness the misery and then truly be grateful and happy for the moment I did have with my son. Secondly, I learned that a tiny, helpless newborn can instantly change your views on the world, but more importantly that all life is precious, no matter how short.  In turn, small moments of happiness, no matter how short are precious and should be acknowledged as such. For me, tallying up all the tiny moments of happiness in a day does wonders for my overall happiness and contentment with my life. I will always be grateful to the unnamed newborn that lost its life that day. That little baby taught me that each microsecond matters. So for me, that life, though cut short, helped me unlock the keys to happiness in my own life.

Today I am faced with the mortality of my firstborn son, once again.  He is now ten years old and has recently begun experiencing debilitating abdominal pain and has been rapidly losing weight. The most likely culprit seems to be something that could eventually kill him if left unchecked. Luckily, we have access to a great doctor and medical facility in Portland. Unfortunately, at this time, we do not have a definitive diagnosis. We will soon face another blank white room and hopefully discover what if anything we can do to cure him. Misery will be there again caused by the waiting and the agony over the unknown and things I cannot change. Surprisingly, at times like these, all the tiny moments of joy come flooding back: a hug here, a little kiss there.  Like a mini movie in my head I think about the times he met each of his siblings, the first time he scored a goal in a soccer game, each of his birthdays, the first time he learned to ride a bike and his unforgettable performance as Tom Turkey in second grade. All these moments, though lasting just a short time individually, have already added up to a lifetime of joy.  So, I know that happiness will be there too, because right now, I have a son who knows he is loved and that makes all the difference. 

Works Cited

Weiner, Eric (2009). The Geography of Bliss. New York: Twelve.

Update: J1 still has an unofficial diagnosis of IBD but is on medication. He does great as long as he remembers his medicine.  Those huge blue pills are a constant reminder of his and my own mortality. I hope to use this reminder to be courageous in how I live my life.  I hope you can find the courage to be happy in yours.