Mommy Monday- Happiness Amid Misery

Wow, I don't know what I was thinking, but trying to blog on a Monday has proved to be the most difficult.  Add to that blogging about being a mom and that just doubles the problem.  So, I think the next four weeks on Monday, I will post a story about one of my kids.  This is a paper I wrote in my first Writing class, two years ago involving J1:

Happiness Amid Misery

The walls were a cold, blank white.  The room was quiet except for the whir and occasional beep of a machine. The lights were dimmed for the comfort of the little inhabitants of this place. He was encased in a plastic box with a lid like a bread box.  Wires ran from all the essential parts of his body. A tiny hand clenched my finger, making me feel as if I were a giantess.  As I lifted him from his clear case that eerily resembled Snow White’s coffin, I felt a jolt pierce through my heart. How was it that such a small thing could elicit such a strong emotion from me?  My firstborn son snuggled into the crook of my arm and happiness was mine.

Across the room a loud burst of beeping machines heralded an emergency. Nurses bolted into the room, followed by frantic doctors.  A tiny life was slipping away.  Time seemed to slow down.  My heart thudded in my chest in agony for the little child and its parents.  The alarms seemed to speed up and the doctor’s movements quickened. Suddenly, there was silence. The air was thick with grief. Here in the NICU  misery and happiness were companions and distanced by mere feet.

Eric Wiener says, “’Misery serves a purpose’ says psychologist David Myers. He’s right. Misery alerts us to dangers. It’s what spurs our imagination” (323). Statements like that infuriate me. Specifically, the last part really gets my goat. Misery serves many purposes, the least important being my imagination.   Most of those who have experienced true misery rightfully avoid it like the plague. Some like Eric Wiener, witness misery and try to minimize it by claiming it as a sort of Muse.  I do agree that it does alert us to dangers, but more importantly it can help us recognize and appreciate happiness.  Have you ever noticed that those who have experienced tragedy and misery and ‘escaped’ are some of the wisest and dare I say happy people you’ve ever heard of or met? Mother Teresa, for one, comes to mind. Do I think you have to have misery to experience happiness? No. I do, however, feel that to really appreciate happiness and embrace it, you need to be able to have something to contrast it against.  I’m not saying that you should go and seek out opportunities to experience misery; life will provide its own without any help.

My trip to the NICU that day taught me many things about life, especially relating to misery and happiness. Firstly, that happiness and misery in life can be a literal heartbeat away.  I may have forgotten that moment of happiness with my son, if it had not been etched into my memory because of the tragic event of that day. Even though I did not know that infant or its family, I was able to witness the misery and then truly be grateful and happy for the moment I did have with my son. Secondly, I learned that a tiny, helpless newborn can instantly change your views on the world, but more importantly that all life is precious, no matter how short.  In turn, small moments of happiness, no matter how short are precious and should be acknowledged as such. For me, tallying up all the tiny moments of happiness in a day does wonders for my overall happiness and contentment with my life. I will always be grateful to the unnamed newborn that lost its life that day. That little baby taught me that each microsecond matters. So for me, that life, though cut short, helped me unlock the keys to happiness in my own life.

Today I am faced with the mortality of my firstborn son, once again.  He is now ten years old and has recently begun experiencing debilitating abdominal pain and has been rapidly losing weight. The most likely culprit seems to be something that could eventually kill him if left unchecked. Luckily, we have access to a great doctor and medical facility in Portland. Unfortunately, at this time, we do not have a definitive diagnosis. We will soon face another blank white room and hopefully discover what if anything we can do to cure him. Misery will be there again caused by the waiting and the agony over the unknown and things I cannot change. Surprisingly, at times like these, all the tiny moments of joy come flooding back: a hug here, a little kiss there.  Like a mini movie in my head I think about the times he met each of his siblings, the first time he scored a goal in a soccer game, each of his birthdays, the first time he learned to ride a bike and his unforgettable performance as Tom Turkey in second grade. All these moments, though lasting just a short time individually, have already added up to a lifetime of joy.  So, I know that happiness will be there too, because right now, I have a son who knows he is loved and that makes all the difference. 

Works Cited

Weiner, Eric (2009). The Geography of Bliss. New York: Twelve.

Update: J1 still has an unofficial diagnosis of IBD but is on medication. He does great as long as he remembers his medicine.  Those huge blue pills are a constant reminder of his and my own mortality. I hope to use this reminder to be courageous in how I live my life.  I hope you can find the courage to be happy in yours.

Friends on Friday- Kelly

Kelly is one of those friends, who seems to have it all.  She is pretty, smart, crafty, and has two beautiful little girls.  She is so crafty in fact, that she has a wonderful blog http://livingcraftilyeverafter.blogspot.com/.  Seriously, it is fabulous.  In my imaginary little world, I like to pretend that I got her hooked on her crafting, starting with bows.  Of course, her creations are a gazillion times better than mine, which I love! On to the interview...

Kelly with S1 modeling a headband I made.

N: Tell me about yourself. 

K:  Where do I start? I married my best friend 5 years ago and we both wanted to start our family right away. We discovered that we were not able to get pregnant on our own and started down the fetility specialist path. We were very lucky and after a few months of IVF I got pregnant and our daughter S1 was born in March of 2008. We were even luckier with our second and got pregnant the first month of IVF. Our second daughter S2 was born in August of 2010. I love those girls more than anything. The second they were born I forgot all the heartache and pain I went through trying to become a mom. They truly are my little miracles! 

Miracle girls.

Besides spoiling my children, I also love to hang out with friends. We are lucky and have a great group of friends who all have kids the same age as ours. When our 6 families get together we have 11 kids all 3 and under! It is chaos, but so much fun! We love to have backyard BBQs, go camping, spend time at the lake and we always say we have to go on a big Disney Cruise with all of them! I also love to exercise and recently ran my first Mud Run! And considering I hate dirt that was a major deal for me!!

Kelly at the Mud Run

N: What are you passionate about?

K: My kids. I know that is cliche but its the truth. I recently got laid off work and we are now doing everything we can so I can stay home with them for a year or so. They are only young once!

N: What was one of the defining moments of your life? 

K: Honestly, I think one of the most defining times in my life was the year long struggle to get pregnant. The months and months of trying only to be let down over and over again. It is the most heartwrenching experience. I can't even begin to explain the emotional wreck I became. I was angry at any pregnant lady I saw. I hated my friends when they "accidentally" got pregnant. I was a cold and bitter person. But I was also so sad it physically hurt. I was broken. And then we started IVF. I had to give myself daily injections of medicine, go to multiple doctors appointments a week, all the while not knowing if I would ever get pregnant. It is a struggle I would never wish on my worst enemy. But it made me stronger. It made me really work for what I wanted. I think I am a better mom because of it. I think my marriage is stronger because of it. I am a better woman because of it.

I love this picture because you can really see how much Kelly
just adores her daughters by the expression on her face.

N: What would you say to your daughter(s) if she/they also ended up having the same fertility issues that you have struggled with?

K: Don't give up. If its what you want, don't give up on your dream of becoming a mother because it is THE greatest thing in the world. It is worth all the heartache and struggle to become one. I would also do everything I could to help them reach that dream. The first time we went through IVF our insurance did not cover a single cent of it. And IVF is not cheap. We weren't in a place financially where we could pay the thousands of dollars it would have cost. Luckily my parents stepped in and offered to help us out. I will never forget when I started crying thanking my parents, my mom said to me "we would never deny you the opportunity to be parents." I would do the same for my children.

S1 with S2

N: How blessed you are to have such amazing parents. What advice could you give to those who are struggling to conceive?

K: Like I said to my children, Don't give up. I would let them know it is going to be tough. It is going to be an emotional roller coaster. It's ok to be bitter. It's ok to be angry. It's ok to be sad. It's ok. And I would let them know I am there for them. Infertility is something that unless you have been through it, you really cannot understand the emotions wrapped up with it.

N: Given that, what advice would you give to those with family or friends who are struggling to conceive?

K: Don't tell them "I understand". You don't. You CAN'T. And I swear the statement I hated the absolute most when we were going through this was "There is always adoption. There are tons of kids out there who need a loving home". That always killed me. Yes, I understand there are children out there who need homes, but I want MY child. It made me feel like I had no right being upset about not being able to get pregnant just because there were children out there who needed to be adopted. I would never tell someone struggling with infertility that.


N: What were you passionate about before starting your family and/or were you always passionate about becoming a mother eventually?

K: I always knew I wanted to be a mother. But I also used to be so passionate about sports. I played soccer my entire life. I loved it. I tried to join an adult league a few months ago but it fell through. I am still looking though. But for now I love playing soccer with Sam in the backyard. :) And hopefully if the girls like playing too, I will be able to coach their teams!

N: I know that you are very crafty. What project are you the most proud of?

K: Hmmm good question. I think this year I am most proud of the birthday parties I threw for the girls. I know they wont remember them, but I will always have the pictures! I hope when they get older they can see all the effort I put into the party so they would have a perfect day!

See more pictures here.

You have got to check out her blog on how to make
the cute party hat. 

N: One more fun one. You mentioned a Disney cruise before and I know that you recently returned from Disneyland, so, what is your favorite ride at Disneyland?

K: My favorite ride is Space Mountain. :)

Kelly's family at Disney

N: I truly believe you are a remarkable woman and mother, Kelly. I am inspired by your talent and determination. I am awed by your decision to take an incredibly difficult situation and let it turn you into the incredible and amazing mother that you are to your daughters. It has helped me remember that my children are wonderful little miracles. Thank you for being my friend and helping me remember how blessed I truly am to be a mother.

Theatre Thursday- The Second Conservatory Year

I knew that the Conservatory would offer me an opportunity to dust my talents off and reuse them again.  I was scared but knew that I was in good hands with the faculty. I felt safer there than just plunging headlong into auditioning for shows after such a long break.

They had changed the format a bit and decided that instead of just doing scenes for the final performance that we would do a full blown production. So, despite not having to audition to get into the conservatory I did have to audition for a part in Shakespeare's A Winter's Tale.


It was intimidating once again to be surrounded by my friends as instructors and strangers as classmates.  I couldn't help but feel that I had betrayed my friends in some way by running away to join the Army. I mean who does that?  I tried desperately to win their support once again and put my heart into my audition.  I performed Ophelia's "Affrighted" monologue in front of everyone.  Mr. G (who was once an upperclassmen of mine in HS) said that he never wanted to see that monologue again.  I think he meant it as a compliment, in that it disturbed him somehow.

And did I forget to mention,  my Hamlet was directing this show.  Gah! I was so nervous.  To round out our instructors, I had the amazing TH as the director of the whole conservatory program (who played Gertrude in Hamlet).  Her marvelous brother MH who was also in Hamlet.  DG also in Hamlet. CW who was in Hamlet and H on T.  The director of Hamlet came back to teach Restoration Comedy to the Track Two students and there was one instructor that I did not know who came from California, Mr. E who taught Comedy. Also, the unforgettable LW who helped me find my singing voice.

As I said, friends as my instructors.  I was so blessed.  All the roles were double/triple cast to accommodate everyone.  I got cast as Hermione, Time.  I was the second Hermione when Leontes first accuses her, and at the end when they are reunited.  Time is a narrator of sorts that comes in the middle of the play to say that time has passed and they are in a different place.  We did a dance with sand.  DH still likes to tease me about the sand dance. It was done with a bit of an Oriental twist.  We also had half masks.  We all wore black with fabric that draped over us in various ways depending on our character. I also ended up sewing the edges of all that fabric with my serger.

Leontes and me as older Hermione.

It was a great summer. I met some wonderful people whom I still consider friends, even if I only "see" them on FB.  We also remounted the show in the Fall for the college, with a slightly different cast and I got to play my same roles with a bit more in the beginning for Hermione and I also played Old Shepard but as Old Shepardess instead.

Amazingly tired cast. Try to find me.

Once again, a great experience for me. It was my first time on a thrust stage.  We also had a white scrim behind us where there were sometimes shadows of the action happening behind it such as the famous "Exit, pursued by a bear" scene. It was the most artistic show that I have ever been involved with but it was a blast.

JK with Bear that kills him. Audience only saw the bear in profile.
I'm  in the back putting on my makeup

After this, I was asked to come back to the conservatory the next summer to help assist Mr. E in teaching.  This was in order for me to learn more by teaching and hopefully help some people on the way.  It was a generous offer and I gladly accepted.

I can't begin to tell you how these wonderful people affected my life.  They helped bring me out of the pit of my despair and accepted me even though I had abandoned the theatre for several years.  They were a second family to me and I still love them and appreciate all that I learned about myself and the theatre.  I will never forget them.

Whatever Wednesday- Harmony

I love music.  I love singing.  But let us be honest. It terrifies me.  It always has.  I have been told I have a good tone to my voice. When I had a semi-impromptu solo performance at church during Christmas-time last year, I was told by someone I respect, that I sang "Silent Night" like an angel and that it was the best they have ever heard.  While, I know that God was with me when I sang that song, I was shaking like crazy. Luckily, the podium hid my quivering legs from everyone except the Bishop and his counselors.

The last cruise I went on, I sang in one of their "talent" shows, where they have cruisers dress up as certain celebrity singers and belt out their hit songs in varying degrees of talent.  I hadn't been on stage for so long that I decided to do it just for fun.  The reaction I got was great and the dancers in the show said I did well. Maybe they were lying but I like to think they meant it.

Me as Gloria Estefan with one of my backup dancers.

I have been steadily working on overcoming my fear of singing and music in general.  So this semester I signed up for a music class.  I didn't want to leap right into theory so I went with a 200 level Intro to Music.

In my music class we are currently learning about harmony.  In some of the exercises, we have had to listen to the melody and pick out the rhythm and such.  We learned that many pop songs have just a I-V-VI-IV chord progression.  Then our teacher showed us this video:

This totally cracked me up.  So then, I was in my car listening to Lady Gaga's "You and I" and while it didn't have the same chord progression as the above video it does have the same basic underlying beat as "We Will Rock You" by Queen.

Then I remember when Gaga came out with "Born This Way" and how much I thought it was just like Madonna's "Express Yourself"  So as I was surfing YouTube I found this:

So, what I learned is that there are only so many chords available and only so many combinations that are possible.  Also, we like the familiar and the repetitive as far as the underlying chords in a song.

I'm not saying this is good or bad.  Just that it is interesting and for me, it makes music a lot less intimidating.  I don't have to reinvent the wheel or a chord as the case may be! Just need a little harmony.

Trailer Trash Tuesday-The truth shall set you free

Last week in my wellness class, Prof. D was asking what everyone did over the weekend.  The responses were fairly mundane and some even said how they had a bad weekend because of one reason or another.  Then he gets to me and I say, "I spent the weekend getting lice out of my kids' hair."  The whole classroom groaned.  I think it may have helped them feel better about their weekends.

 Prof. D then asked if I had washed everything.  I told him that I made an extended trip to the laundry mat with all the kids, because I don't have a washer and dryer.  He then asked if I had laundry hook-ups.  I told him, "No. We live in an RV 5th wheel."  The class went dead silent at that point, and were listening more intently.  Prof. D had quite the shocked look on his face, but then recovered with asking where we parked it.  I told him that a gentleman in our church lets us park it on his property because he has RV hookups and gives us a good deal on rent.  Prof. D said that was good and then proceeded to ask others in the class how their weekend went.  No one had a bad weekend after that.

So, now Prof. D, an older gentleman, (who reminds me a of a cross between my uncle and my dad, but with killer calve muscles) has taken it upon himself to try to find a way for me to exercise on a regular basis.  He has been really sweet about it, in a non-creepy way.  He is convinced that it will help release some stress in my life.  I know that it will, but getting my body to agree is another issue altogether.

Mentally, I am feeling great but my body not so much.  I have discovered that my body has a love/hate relationship with the rowing machine.

It all fits into my plan of becoming a better actress though.  If my body is more fit and flexible I will be able to create more variety into my roles, at least physically.  I think my life experiences are making up for the emotional growth and variety.

I wonder if I may be a little too honest at times. I don't feel the need to sugar coat anymore.  I am who I am. Rambling and all that jazz.  It feels liberating instead of feeling like I need to hide where we live.  I do still cringe every time a car comes up the driveway, worrying about if someone has decided to call CPS because of our "substandard" housing.

I took courage though, when last Saturday two people who had never been inside the RV came inside.  Their first reaction was, "Wow, this is really nice in here."  So, once again I am grateful for living where we live and that it really is nice in here.  After all, this is my castle.

Yours truly,
Queen of the Trailer Trash

Friends on Friday- Renee

Renee is one of my dear friends.  She knows some of my darkest secrets and still likes me.  Besides being an amazing friend, some of her other titles are wife, mother, teacher, runner, director and actress.  She recently moved to NC and while that is closer it is still not close enough to me.  I am grateful to have her as a friend.  So here goes...

N: Tell me about yourself.

R: I'm a 34 year old high school English teacher, mom of 3 year old G and wife of 5 years to L. I grew up in Vermont where I attended the University of Vermont for undergrad (Major in English, double minors in Theater and Art History) and for grad school (a Master's in English Lit). I have been teaching since 2001. Although I would rather be an actress anyday, other than acting, there is no other profession that I would consider doing besides being a teacher.

N: What are you passionate about?

R: My daughter. Being outside. Being active. Acting.

She ran a marathon very shortly after giving birth to G.

N: What was one of the defining moments in your life?

R: My first defining moment is when my father put my master's hood on me. (He's a professor at UVM, so he was allowed to hood me). The next is the moment I heard G's little voice right after birth. The final defining moment was when I performed in a play in which I stripped down to a bra and fell on a couch kissing my co-star. I was terrified of what my parents would think of me after this, but, rather than feeling embarrassed, they were enthralled by my performance and the show itself. This made me realize I had some talent. 


N: What is the most favorite role that you have ever performed?

R: Let me see... My favorite role would be Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing. It is one that I had always wanted to play. She is smart, witty and one of Shakespeare's most well written female characters. Also, one of my favorite actors played opposite me as Benedick. Shakespeare in the Park in Nashua, New Hampshire is where we performed the play. It was also done in the same time period as Kenneth Branagh's film, late 18th century.

Renee as Beatrice along with the cast of Much Ado 

Another favorite was Truvy in Steel Magnolias. She is loud and boisterous. I got to wear gaudy jewelry and awful 80's clothes.

Beatrice was more of a complex challenge and Truvy was just a blast.

Renee as Truvy

N: What role would you like to play that you would never be cast in? For instance, because of gender, body type, etc.

R: I would love to play Richard III and Hamlet as a close second.

N: What role would you love to play but haven't had the opportunity to perform:

R: Oh, that's a hard question... There was a role in the play Reckless that I really wanted (Rachel). It is about a woman who walks out on her husband and child on Christmas day. Actually Mary-Louise Parker played the role on Broadway. I loved the role but I didn't get the part. I did take a secondary role in the production. I wanted to dislike the woman who got cast, but I couldn't. She was so nice and talented. She was amazing in the role. She actually even ended up coming to my wedding. I would joke with her that I wanted to be her when I grew up, even though we were the same age.

N: What would you say to your daughter if she decided she wanted to be an
actress?

R: I would support her. If she said that she wanted to be a professional, I would support her but caution her about the Hollywood scene. I guess I'm a bit prejudiced against Hollywood. I would tell her to stick to the stage. I thing stage acting is more challenging. There is a newness with every performance on the stage. It seems that screen actors get bogged down with the media and pressures to be thin and look a certain way. I wouldn't want her to have to deal with those issues.

Renee and G at rehearsal

What Renee looks like at rehearsals more recently.

N: Because you are an actress, I am going to harass you with these question that James Lipton adapted for Inside the Actor's studio.

-What is your favorite word?

R: Mulch

N: What is your least favorite word?

R: Faggot (I even have a hard time writing this word)

N: What turns you on?

R: Sculpted arms.

L's sculpted arms.

N: What turns you off?

R: Discrimination.

N: What sound or noise do you love?

R: My daughter's voice.

N: What sound or noise do you hate?

R: The fire alarm at school.

N: What is your favorite curse word?

R: Shit

N: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

R: Stage actress

N: What profession would you not like to do?

R: Anything in a cubicle.

N: If Heaven exists what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

R: Nice work.

N: And now since you have been so gracious as to answer all my questions, you get to ask me any question you would like.

R: Oh, hmm... What role would you like to play that you haven't had the opportunity to play?

N: Hmm, that really is a hard question. I would actually love to play Evita. I don't know that I'll ever have the opportunity. I just love the songs and the original cast version with Patti LuPone. I know it would be a huge challenge. The bug to play that role was actually placed when the Set Builder for Hamlet said that I looked like I could play Evita.

Thanks, Renee for letting me pester you and for being my friend. I am blessed to have you in my life.

Theatre Thursday- Private Benjamin or The First Detour

Biology is driving me crazy right now and I had my first test yesterday. I am scared of the results of that test but for now some reminiscing of the theatre.

During rehearsals for Hamlet, I had gotten a call from an Army recruiter and basically told him there was no chance I was joining the military.  Fast forward several weeks,  I had finished up Hamlet and H on T and then didn't have anything lined up.  Southwest Shakespeare Company's next show was the musical A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.  At that time, I was not a singer and so didn't even bother auditioning.

So, I tried to attend Scottsdale Community College, but I couldn't really afford to go and didn't really know about financial aid or how to get it.  I didn't like my acting class because it was full of students who had no experience and let's face it, I thought I was better than them.  It wasn't challenging and so I wasn't doing very well.  It never occurred to me to ask my instructors or even the director of Hamlet (Lynda Linford) who was actually a part of the theatre program at the University of Utah for help on navigating the college world. 

I was sitting at home and I got a call from the recruiter again.  This time I wasn't doing anything and wanted a way to pay for college.  So, I dropped out of my classes and joined the Army.  (I actually didn't drop out of one of my classes correctly so I have an F on my record for Acting. Ooops!)

I learned a lot in the Army.  I felt a bit like Private Benjamin in some ways. I got in great shape. I got a free trip to Germany.  I studied Computers, had a Top Secret clearance and graduated top of my class.  Fun stuff.  

I also met my first husband in the Army. I got pregnant. I got out of the Army. I got married to my first husband and then gave birth to my first son. J1 was born premature and was in the hospital for a month and then came home.  

When J1 was about 6 months old or so I discovered that my first husband was cheating on me. I then divorced from him as he had no intention of leaving his mistress.

I moved back to AZ.  Met DH, got married, had A1. My X signed away his rights and DH adopted J1.  

After I had A1, I was struggling a bit with PPD that turned into full blown depression for a couple of years. I felt like I needed to get back into the theatre and that is when I decided to take Track 2 of the Conservatory.  But that will be for the next post.